I have alluded to this before but today I have been a little hyper focused on one issue that keeps coming up and so I decided I needed to write about it.
Today I ran 14 miles… thats an accomplishment, I have never run 14 miles before, although it is certainly not my longest run (18, 16, 15 anyone) it is a lot of mileage. I should feel awesome right? Too bad I don’t.
I used to feel that the only way I could eat was to have a crazy good workout, and it was sort of a reward. Which is a horrible way of thinking about food and health. I became a health nut in college simply because I was chasing an ideal that may never exist for my body. It seems like an unattainable goal somedays… and others I love my body and feel great about myself. Today is not one of those days.
I ran 14 miles today and due to a hectic schedule all day was only able to eat one thing several hours later- a whole wheat bagel sandwich with turkey and light veggie cream cheese. And now I feel guilty for showering before finding out I didn’t have to babysit… so I could have gone to yoga in order to eat what I am craving for dinner… which is a burger and fries…. and I don’t even eat the bun.. ever. This kind of thinking is destructive and I thought I had begun to get over it. I eat candy now ever once in awhile (or well a lot of Swedish Fish this week) I barely ate candy for 4 years… and was much more restrictive than I am now. Now I eat more bread and carbs and fat in healthy doses because I am training for a marathon and in order to have quality runs I NEED to fuel properly. Luckily I am a protein and veggie fiend… so that has never been an issue. Regardless moral of the story… I have had an unhealthy relationship for food for awhile… a very long time in fact. I used to restrict and then there were nights when I was upset or drunk (or both) that I would eat an entire carton of Ben and Jerry’s. And those would be followed by punishing work outs the next day. Now I run for the challenge and joy of pushing my body and doing something I never thought I could accomplish. Seriously I always said I would never run a marathon and now I am! I may not run very fast but I am amazing myself with what my body can do for me.
Basically the moral of this rant is to get it out, my food issues, my body issues, and my OCD relationship with fitness. I finally take rest days and am ok with it… that took years to be able to do. I know it is just a weird day and I am stressed in general about school and future but I hate that I feel guilty for partaking in certain foods… when really I shouldn’t! I should be celebrating my body and nourishing it. Today my body needs fats and proteins and deliciousness in order to heal and let me swim tomorrow on my cross training day.
I know I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings thanks to the amazing blog community I am in that has women who have faced way worse food issues than I have… but I just wanted all of readers and other bloggers to know and remember you are not alone… we all have these days, months, years. Love your body as hard as it may be, don’t let yourself fall into the comparison trap that is so easy to do (trust me… I do it all the time). We are all beautiful and amazing… remember that next time.. I know I will try to today.
Do you ever feel this way?
Peace, Love and be Sperry!